{Rant;of a mutarabbi} Rant; of a Mutarabbi: Reason To Strive

20160611

Reason To Strive

Do you know the feeling, where you wake up and you feel like you would rather stay in bed all day? Avoiding everyone, not wanting to talk, just want your time alone.

Yeap. I do.

And some says that's a sign of depression. 

Am I depressed? Could be. But I'm not the kind of people who would diagnose themselves with mental illness and everything. You know, it would be better to stay positive.

But let me tell you sexy faces something. I had always felt anxious over the past term. Just so you know, i moved to a new school. And the worst thing that could happen to a new kid is not being able to feel "it"! I just don't feel like i belong here. How do I explain something that I can't even cope with?

Sure, I have friends. It's just, I don't feel like they would do anything for me. I'm not wanting to use them, I just feel like they haven't fully accepted me yet. When the recess bell rang, I could feel my heart beat faster than how it normally would. My body felt like it was dragged down or something. My hands got cold. I just can't. 

It's actually holiday. I had a good one But when the fun almost come to an end, I got nervous. I....don't want to go to school. I know, right? I have been trying to motivate everyone else, but I'm the least motivated of you people.

Also I can now feel the pressure. I really want to get a good result for my spm, so i can get a scholarship and study abroad. That didn't bother me much until I came home from my vacation. My life in London was great, and I reaaaaaally want to further my study there. So I have to study from now on. My spm is gonna be next year, in shaa allah.

So as I feel weak like I've always been these past few days, I went through my drawer. And I found my old journals, when I was 10 and 11. I read them, and I really miss the old me. The one that was not grumpy. The one that had always got the first place in school. Like...what happened to me? Most people would put the blame on puberty but I won't. It's just me. I have developed a very bad attitude and that's why I'm grumpy. I was too lazy to study and that's why I nearly failed for my add maths,

So, dear self. Think about the old you. Life was so much fun, right? There you go, your reason to live strive. Yes you don't have the same people around you anymore, but you can still fix your manners and grades, right? Riiiighhttt? I hope when i hit the publish button, my motivations will find their ways to get to me.

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